New Book

Took me few days before writing again. I went to hibernation and think over about what happened during the past weeks. I was too weak to make a move. I was too weak to think. All I ever care about was him. I pray for him, I feel for him. I just want to stop.

Again I took all the blame. But it's time that I forgive myself. It's time to stop hurting myself. While I'm writing this, I'm crying my heart out. What have I done to deserve this kind of pain? I am a very kind person. A selfless one. Why does it have to be me? These questions can only be answered in due time. When everything is fully healed.

There are a lot of things that worries and frightens me. But I have to be strong for myself. This takes a lot of courage and a lot of self respect. I need to love myself. I keep on saying that I'm going to stop and I am going to move on. But I'm not doing anything.

If you really are meant to be, you will see each other again. But never hope and never assume. I must live my life. I must move forward and I must not look back. There's no turning back. I took all the courage left in me to start over. I need to take care of those pieces of me and shape it up again.

As what I usually hear on the radio, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I am still breathing. I know there's life for me out there. Whatever is being thrown at me, I know I can carry myself up to the finish line. Someday I am going to be proud of myself. Someday I will see my reflection and I will be satisfied of what I have become. I am going to be better. :)

Survival Day 2

Things are doing good today. I didn't contact him. I survived and I hope I can do this everyday. :)

There was this person who made me happy before, who is constantly chatting with me after my breakup. He is so vocal in telling me he likes/loves me. Whenever he gets sweet, I get irritated. Any idea why? I can't force myself to date other guys. My goals are different. Letting guys get into my system is a big NO for now. I don't want to get hurt again. I'm still feeling the pain. I planned for my life in the coming months and being in a relationship isn't one of the plans.

I was too much. I was a control freak. I refused to accept the person that I love the most. I deserve all this and I am paying the price. Before I get into a new relationship, I want to make sure I'm not the same person who hurt him and got hurt in the process. I want a new life. I want the old me. The sweet, funny and interesting person who understands and listens to other people. I didn't know what happened. I keep on asking myself why I turned into a witch.

I hope that when time comes that I was able to reach my goal, once I am a better person, doors of opportunities and romance will open for me. :)

Just Trust Me - God

Went home to my province after the breakup. I felt mixed emotions. I was happy because I was with my family again and was able to see my mom. Sad because if we didn't breakup, I won't be having any reason to go home. I missed my mom, I missed my family, my home and where I grew up. And at the same time I miss him. It was so unfair because I left my heart with him. That I wasn't able to feel the happiness of being home because of him. Maybe my heart changed my hometown without telling me.

Anyway, after the breakup, after chasing after him and asking him for another chance, finally I give up. I just had this realization that I have done enough. I can't give more. I am at my peak where there's nothing left of me to give. Hell! 3 years! why does it have to take soo long just for him to end it like that? The memories, everything we spent, the time, affection, and love. Where did it all go?? I am so shattered and broken. I can't concentrate on my work.

Our friends say we/he need space. I should give it to him. But my friends tell me to wake up, pick myself up, go and never turn back. I don't deserve this heartache. I don't deserve this and the way he treats me.It's "Me Time" now. I need to focus on myself. I just want to be happy. I just want to have a man who would be there with me, love me, will never make me feel I am an option. I am not ugly and there are a lot of fishes in the sea. But why can't I get the fish that I want? :(

I keep on asking a lot of questions. Why does it have to be me. I know the answer but as what the saying goes, truth hurts. I keep on reminding myself to push forward. I need to be independent again. I need to love myself again. It's time to turn over a new leaf. I won't deny the fact that I would still be thinking about him. The pain is still fresh. But eventually it will become stale, until I throw it away because it rots. I'm looking forward for a fresh start and a very happy and contented outcome.

Dear God, whatever it is I am going through right now, please, don't leave me. Please don't let me walk this path alone. Show me the right path and guide me to the light. I trust you and I give everything to you. I made a lot of mistakes and I know you have already forgiven me.

3 - 2013

March 4 2013. 

How should I start? Well, it started last 24th of February 2012. He came back and promised he will change and become a better person. He promised he will give me all his attention once we will be together. I hold on to that promise. Hours, months passed and he was able to fulfill his promise. But come year 2013 and he changed back to his old self. It feels like he's a complete stranger.

He blamed me for being so strict. He could not take it anymore. He broke up with me. He said he's fed up with the routine we have, with all the arguments and how strict I am. He felt choked on the way I love him.

He blamed me, I blamed myself. I apologized. I tried everything to get him back and ask him to give us another try ( Yes, that's how stupid, and lowlife I am). But he told me to just move on and let go.

Why am I taking up all the blame and mistakes? First of, relationship consists of two people and not just one.  Definitely there was something wrong within the relationship and it's both our mistake. I tried to explain myself and my actions but it fell on deaf ears. Why am I so strict? Then followed by this question, "Why did you give me a promise which you can't do?".

He's no ordinary guy. I only want what's best for him. I support him and all his activities. I accept him for who he is. I would never stay in that relationship for more than 2 years if I can't accept him for who he is. My mistake? I hold on to his promise. I got myself attached to the new him that when he revert back to his old self I got completely lost. But as a person who loves deeply, I did all my best to understand what was happening. But we still broke up.

I've given up a lot of things, a lot of dreams for him. I really got lost somewhere. Despite everything, my heart burns with pain and the love I feel for him. Why is it so hard to let go? Why is it harder this time? Is this really the end? I don't want to set any expectation that we can still fix the relationship. I no longer hope for continuation, well, that's what I want myself to believe. I read a lot of articles on how to overcome this breakup. A lot of books. But only I can help myself. I need determination to move on and leave every memories behind. It's never going to be the same. It's going to be very tough and hard. But I have God with me. Whenever I feel weak, I pray. Whenever I feel like giving up, I ask for Him to hug me and to push me up. I know there's a reason why I went through this kind of ordeal. I'm just in the phase of denial, but eventually I'll learn to accept everything.