Hardest part I am going through? It's when I decided to move on and let go. I was successful. I found a new one who makes me smile and then the old one went back and asked me for another chance. I like the 2nd guy, but I still love the 1st guy. I want to give both of them a chance but I only have to choose just one of them. Either way I'll hurt one of them. Why is it so complicated? Why now when I could happen before the 2nd guy arrived? Now here comes another decision. Which way should I go?

I started writing at exactly 10:23AM. 23 was my favourite number. It was the date we began our relationship. Sad because it's only a number now. I would be honest to say that I still think about him. But I refused to think of our past and memories. One of these days, we'll gonna meet again and if that time will happen, I don't want to feel any hate towards him. You don't need to hate somebody who taught you some lessons in life. Somebody who made you better and stronger. Find reasons why it happened and you'll realise it was really meant to mould you. I was never alone, I just thought I was because that's what I made of myself. I need to get back up on my feet and take my first step towards success. Hurt and pain wont knock me down.

Scented candles

A lot of things happen within a day. Mine was just normal aside from the fact that I cried every now and then. I cry because I'm scared there's no hope, I cry because I feel helpless with my situation. I cry because there's no more us. I cry because I can't accept the truth. I couldn't be like this forever. I opened Google and searched "How to deal with breakup depression" since I know I am going through depression right now. I've read a lot of blogs and articles about it. What caught my attention is the word "Hope" and "Acceptance". Once you stopped hoping then acceptance will follow. It's like a ringing bell for me. It's a perfect reason why it's hard for me to move on and let go. I blame myself for the ruined relationship. It shouldn't be like that!

I went up, lighted some scented candles, breathe in, cleared my mind and told myself: "Cut the communication and get over him". I've read that there are 6 stages in getting over someone. I am currently in stage 4 and hoping to step onto stage 5 quickly to regain my norm. There are a lot of factors I need to consider. First, I need to forgive myself, second is to forgive him and third is to let go of the resentments and anger. I can't go back and fix things. I am incapable of controlling his mind but I am capable of controlling my emotions, my life and future. Writing or journalling helps a lot. I created this blog to help myself cope up and to express what I feel. I was once a very funny and humorous girl and I plan to go back to my old self. There's more that life will offer. I am just starting mine. :)

Feb. 20. 2012

Today, I have decided to write everything. What I am going through, what I feel and what I think about.

Career and success were just a piece of cake for me. But relationships and matters of the heart are freaking hard. Only I can feel my own hurt, pain, loneliness and despair. I feel like giving up but I was born strong. I am doing my best to continue my life as if nothing happened. I keep on asking, what's the difference between my past relationships and my relationship with him? With him I lose myself. With him I lost track of who I really am. You trust love too much that you forgot some important things in your life.

These are the lessons that life wants me to know. Why do we live in other people's shadow? 2 months ago I started crying and whining as if there's no tomorrow. Yes I cry everyday. Yes I feel almost all emotions. But it helps a lot. I am going through something that I myself can only explain. As I was given another day to live, I am learning and I am growing up.

Life and fate will throw us problems and obstacles to let us know that we are living in the present time. That we need to feel we are breathing, listen to the sound of the wind and wonder if birds also feel heart broken. Why do I worry about the past which already happened and of the future which has not happened yet and I know myself I can't change.

Today, I vow to myself that I will live my life in the present state and be aware of my worth. Let go of what hurts me and those imaginary things that only happen in movies. Nobody or no one can tell me what's in store for me. I need to live my life, no more "what if" , "if ever" , "in the future , and "if only". That is what life has given me and I need to embrace and accept it. Everything will fall into it's right place and by that time I can say I am ready. Don't rush, live free, do things that will make you happy and contented. I promise, my life will get better. :)