3 - 2013

March 4 2013. 

How should I start? Well, it started last 24th of February 2012. He came back and promised he will change and become a better person. He promised he will give me all his attention once we will be together. I hold on to that promise. Hours, months passed and he was able to fulfill his promise. But come year 2013 and he changed back to his old self. It feels like he's a complete stranger.

He blamed me for being so strict. He could not take it anymore. He broke up with me. He said he's fed up with the routine we have, with all the arguments and how strict I am. He felt choked on the way I love him.

He blamed me, I blamed myself. I apologized. I tried everything to get him back and ask him to give us another try ( Yes, that's how stupid, and lowlife I am). But he told me to just move on and let go.

Why am I taking up all the blame and mistakes? First of, relationship consists of two people and not just one.  Definitely there was something wrong within the relationship and it's both our mistake. I tried to explain myself and my actions but it fell on deaf ears. Why am I so strict? Then followed by this question, "Why did you give me a promise which you can't do?".

He's no ordinary guy. I only want what's best for him. I support him and all his activities. I accept him for who he is. I would never stay in that relationship for more than 2 years if I can't accept him for who he is. My mistake? I hold on to his promise. I got myself attached to the new him that when he revert back to his old self I got completely lost. But as a person who loves deeply, I did all my best to understand what was happening. But we still broke up.

I've given up a lot of things, a lot of dreams for him. I really got lost somewhere. Despite everything, my heart burns with pain and the love I feel for him. Why is it so hard to let go? Why is it harder this time? Is this really the end? I don't want to set any expectation that we can still fix the relationship. I no longer hope for continuation, well, that's what I want myself to believe. I read a lot of articles on how to overcome this breakup. A lot of books. But only I can help myself. I need determination to move on and leave every memories behind. It's never going to be the same. It's going to be very tough and hard. But I have God with me. Whenever I feel weak, I pray. Whenever I feel like giving up, I ask for Him to hug me and to push me up. I know there's a reason why I went through this kind of ordeal. I'm just in the phase of denial, but eventually I'll learn to accept everything.